I finally saw ‘Iron Man’ and I was blown away by how good it was. Given that I have almost no affection towards the character, the filmmakers did an amazing job of making me care about Tony Stark and company. One of my favorite things about the film was the main villain of the piece, and how he never once crossed the line towards campiness.
Iron Man is a more grounded character than most, and one would expect the same from his villains. Unfortunately this is not the case, since the majority of his enemies are mad scientists or throwbacks to the Cold War. I only pray that ‘Iron Man 2’ will go with the logical choice of a antagonist, rather than dabble in what is probably the most embarassing Rogue’s Gallery ever.
Here are five of the rejects you’ll never see on the big screen.
5) The Unicorn!
Former KGB agent Milos Masaryk has been doing battle with Iron Man for over 40 years as the villainous Unicorn. His name is fitting, though, since Masaryk wears a projector on his forehead capable of firing deadly blasts of energy!
Perhaps due to the basic nature of his powers The Unicorn has become somewhat of a joke within superhero circles. However, despite this fact, he is one of the most prominent Iron Man foes, having battled the Avengers, the Fantastic Four and even the X-Men numerous times.
Odds of seeing The Unicorn in ‘Iron Man 2’: 100 to 1
4) Fin Fang Foom!
In addition to battling the Communist menace, Iron Man used to do battle with a lot of monsters. This was pretty much the norm for all of Marvel in the 1960’s, but it’s amusing now given that people seem to like Iron Man because of how ‘realistic’ he is. Back then you literally couldn’t cross the street in the Marvel Universe without fear of being eaten by a giant turtle or something.
Fin Fang Foom combines two of the most common themes in Iron Man’s rogue’s gallery: Monsters and offensive racial caricatures (I’m looking at you Mandarin!) Arguably Stan Lee’s most beloved creation, Fin Fang Foom is a ginormous, super-intelligent Chinese dragon who eats people and wears pants.
On a tangent: Stan Lee loves Fin Fang Foom. If you ever go to a public appearance of his yell out ‘Fin Fang Foom!’ as loud as you can, and he will immediately tell the story how he created the monster. Really, I’ve seen this happen on two separate occasions.
Odds of seeing Fin Fang Foom in ‘Iron Man 2’: 15, 000 to 1
Mark Scarlotti once worked for Stark Enterprises before giving up his promising career as an electrical engineer for a life of crime. Now known as Whiplash (and later, Blacklash — then Whiplash again) Scarlotti worked as a private mercenary, crossing paths with Iron Man and Spider-Man on numerous occasions.
As the name suggests, Blacklash is known for the use of a cybernetic whip he created, which can um… whip things? I suppose there is a threat in that somewhere, since he has been hired on numerous unsuccessful attempts to take out Iron Man.
Sadly Blacklash is with us no more. Years ago he was tragically murdered at the hands of not Tony Stark, but the Iron Man armor itself! (I guess it became sentient or something for a brief period, go figure.) Aside from a brief crybaby period for Tony, I don’t think Blacklash or his death havebeen asknowledged in the Marvel Universe for decades. Oh well.
Odds of seeing Blacklash in ‘Iron Man 2’: 200,000 to 1
2) M.O.D.O.K. (Mental Organism Designed Only for Killing!)
Sorry kids, M.O.D.O.K. ain’t happening.
Odds of seeing M.O.D.O.K. in ‘Iron Man 2’: 10 million to 1.
That’s right, true believers! Tokyo’s favorite monster exists in modern Marvel continuity.. Most of Godzilla’s self-titled comic book series involved him being pursued by S.H.I.E.L.D. across the Pacific, but he encountered heroes such as Spider-Man and the Fantastic Four in nearly every issue.
Licensed comics are weird. Why we never got a Mothra / Ghost Rider team-up is beyond me.
Odds of seeing Godzilla in ‘Iron Man 2’: No way in hell.